Writing from a perspective of many years has one disadvantage - the distortions of memory.

I read my previous entry and I see how badly I have managed to mispresent my emotions of the time. It must be the guilt I feel towards my mother, who is gone and whom I am trying to bring back by making untrue confessions. She won't come back. Shocking her with my evil-doing won't bring her back. She doesn't care any more. And I should let it go to and let her be free.

Anyway, here is the correction: I didn't run away to punish my mother. I ran away because I was hurt, she had just slapped me, my face was burning, I was humiliated. I hated her for not being able to control herself. She was just like me - weak. She had forgotten herself. I ran away because I was blinded with anger. There wasn't a shred of controlled thinking in that decision. It was an impulse.

I came back within a couple of days.

When I ran away the next time it was nearly forever. I only managed to come back to say farewell even though at the time I didn't realise it was the end of the road for her. But that's another story.